A Related Story
by brian c. turner
On my way home from a night at the bar on Saturday, my taxi driver decided to take the ever-so quick and stop-sign-littered Bainbridge St. As we passed, 13th street, he broke the silence with mention of one of my favorite local eyesores, “Penn Steaks.” Apparently, not only is this establishment not owned and sponsored by our state government (don’t let the name mislead you), but it was recently busted as a drug front. In all honesty, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. The protective steal window is always down though the sign reads “open” long into the morning. Stationed in an open field where the native Philadelphia car tire bushes grow, Penn Steaks is the only cheesesteak place where there isn’t at least one person in line at all times of the day. I never had the balls to walk into Penn Steaks to try and compare their advertised product with the other high-priced bottom feed of the area, but just from the looks of the outside, I’m sure it didn’t take long for detectives, traffic cops, hell even town-watch 80 year olds to realize there was something suspicious going on. I’m not disgusted with Penn Steaks’ upkeep (c’mon drug fronts advertise by looking nothing like the business they’ve chosen as a façade), and my intention is not to mock the law enforcement for not picking up on this sooner (Who knows how or when this investigation began?). I would, however, like to suggest that the city cherish this opportunity to investigate other possible cheesesteak drug fronts. I’m sure that if the FDA did enough tests, they would find some kind of hallucinogenic/upper-related chemical among the people or possibly the food of Pat’s and Geno’s. I don’t expect any kilos to be uncovered or bricks of weed to be sniffed out, but I’ll be damned if those 3-day old caramelized onions don’t leave s with psychedelic visions of pink flies with trails. Perhaps the FDA or some other government agency can’t find any intoxicating effects from the food served there, they may be able to determine that people can still overdose on this shit. The result, if not fatal, can be noxious to the digestive system and corrosive to the sphincter. CAUTION: Will cause consumer to sweat deep-fry oil. If we’re going to clean up this city, let’s get rid of all establishments who promote addiction and health deterioration.
On my way home from a night at the bar on Saturday, my taxi driver decided to take the ever-so quick and stop-sign-littered Bainbridge St. As we passed, 13th street, he broke the silence with mention of one of my favorite local eyesores, “Penn Steaks.” Apparently, not only is this establishment not owned and sponsored by our state government (don’t let the name mislead you), but it was recently busted as a drug front. In all honesty, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. The protective steal window is always down though the sign reads “open” long into the morning. Stationed in an open field where the native Philadelphia car tire bushes grow, Penn Steaks is the only cheesesteak place where there isn’t at least one person in line at all times of the day. I never had the balls to walk into Penn Steaks to try and compare their advertised product with the other high-priced bottom feed of the area, but just from the looks of the outside, I’m sure it didn’t take long for detectives, traffic cops, hell even town-watch 80 year olds to realize there was something suspicious going on. I’m not disgusted with Penn Steaks’ upkeep (c’mon drug fronts advertise by looking nothing like the business they’ve chosen as a façade), and my intention is not to mock the law enforcement for not picking up on this sooner (Who knows how or when this investigation began?). I would, however, like to suggest that the city cherish this opportunity to investigate other possible cheesesteak drug fronts. I’m sure that if the FDA did enough tests, they would find some kind of hallucinogenic/upper-related chemical among the people or possibly the food of Pat’s and Geno’s. I don’t expect any kilos to be uncovered or bricks of weed to be sniffed out, but I’ll be damned if those 3-day old caramelized onions don’t leave s with psychedelic visions of pink flies with trails. Perhaps the FDA or some other government agency can’t find any intoxicating effects from the food served there, they may be able to determine that people can still overdose on this shit. The result, if not fatal, can be noxious to the digestive system and corrosive to the sphincter. CAUTION: Will cause consumer to sweat deep-fry oil. If we’re going to clean up this city, let’s get rid of all establishments who promote addiction and health deterioration.
posted by handbasket at 12:04 PM
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